The Power in General Revelation

Minutes after I landed in Manila, I had heard all of what was awful about it – It’s dirty.  Big bugs.  You think you’re sweating now?  Wait until you start walking.  And blah, blah, blah, the list goes on.  Just as there are negatives to any place, there are negatives to living here, too.  But the words that stuck with me the most were, “You will forget God loves you while you are in Manila.”  A biting joke.  I laughed, but the words bit down hard on my heart.  I felt them spread down through my stomach and out to my fingertips.  And through the night I kept reassuring myself, “No way can any place make you forget God loves you.  No way can any place make you forget God loves you…”

So a week later, I had forgotten that God loves me.

This was a terrifying and baffling feeling because I have been pretty faithful with my reading and praying.  I have found the rare moments of quiet time.  For me, the culmination of those three things result in a pretty solid feeling that I am in connection with God, and that we have a relationship where I am continually learning and He is continually revealing.  It isn’t like that here.  I can read, pray, think, sit in silence…whatever.  But I can’t hear God over the sounds of traffic, and I can’t feel him over the sting of sweat in my eyes.  I lose sight of his goodness at the sight of myself covered in the pollution of the city.  I can’t sense Him when I have to be cautious of the acid rain instead of being able to play in puddles left by thunderstorms.  What I love about God’s personality is hidden in Manila and hidden well.

Two weekends ago I was able to leave Manila and spend a few days on Palawan with a dear friend, and all of those character traits about God that I love were back.  It was quiet, I was only sweaty because of hiking along the beach, the air was clean, and I could look up and open my mouth when it rained.  To me, these things in nature signify a patient God, a giving God, a restful God, a powerful God, and a God constantly seeking me.  A healing God, a restorative God, a God who respects hard work, and a God who is overwhelmed with happiness when we take time to bury our feet in the sand, run into the ocean, and put this routine on repeat for several days.

I am an awesome no theologian, but all of this made me start thinking about general and special revelations (I really am Calvin College).  For me, it seems, I have trouble deciphering special revelations without the lenses of general revelation.  Special revelation without general revelation is like being grabbed by a total stranger.  The stranger could choke you or hug you.  General revelation is the back-story…the character.  It builds to the climax of every special revelation and supports it.  It tells you who the person is who is grabbing you and what his intentions may be.  Or special revelation without general revelation is like doing calculus without ever taking pre-algebra.  Not impossible…but it would take a lot more work, and the algebra would be learned in a more difficult context of calculus rather than focusing on algebra as algebra.  It’s just harder.  Interpreting the Bible without having constant reminders of God’s personality is HARD.  I feel like I’m being grabbed by this stranger, but I’m never sure why.  (Emotionally grabbed.  Not literally grabbed.  I am still sane.  Probably.)   The anxiety of stumbling through the Bible and feeling completely blind to who God is, is terrible.

I was also told that Manila will bring out sides of you that you didn’t know you had, and it will amplify all of your bad qualities.

Anger.  Woah.

Never have I ever considered myself to be an angry person.  Typically, I am able to detach enough from a situation that I am relaxed enough to let go (…I’m not claiming that is healthy!)  Or if I am angry, I figure out why and then I fix whatever it is and let anger go.  Not anymore.  I am constantly angry and for no real reason.  I’m angry that it rains, I am angry that nothing is EVER on time.  I get angry when things aren’t running efficiently or when I don’t have enough work to do.  I am angry about human trafficking, and for the first time last week, I couldn’t sleep because I could only see girls’ faces when I closed my eyes…so I was angry that I couldn’t sleep.  I get angry that it is impossible to keep my apartment clean.  When meetings go too long.  When they don’t go long enough.  When I don’t have time to work out.  When food takes too long.  When I remember that I don’t have a microwave.  When I “need” a MilkyWay and Macaroni.  When my shower doesn’t feel like getting warm.  When the ants invade.  When rats invade.  When I step in a puddle and am confident that I am going to die from Leptospirosis.   When someone bumps into me on the street.  The smell.  The abandoned animals.  The hungry street kids.  The lines at the market.

And the sexpats. The sexpats who wear their young girls like jewelry.

All of this anger grew and grew until I was sitting in an ineffective meeting, and I had to leave.  I felt that if I didn’t get up and go, I was going to flip the table a pull a Hulk.  For my mind to have even managed to reach, “I feel that it would be totally appropriate to flip this table right now,” was bad enough, that the added, “Turning green and having all of my super giant muscles rip my clothes does not seem an impossibility,” thinking seemed genuinely disturbing.  So after my walk and channeling my inner, relaxed, Bruce Banner, I realized that I am going to have to look harder to find God in the things that are around instead of convincing myself that he isn’t anywhere here.  And even if it isn’t “God,” I just need to look for good things.

And this post isn’t going to end with me being slapped by the Jesus stick, modern-day slavery being abolished, and my suddenly finding  God everywhere and all things are fluffy and I never again want to punch the elevator panel because it wants to stop on every floor for no reason.  I still want to punch the elevator every day.  And I want to line up everyone who has hit me with their umbrella and hit them with mine.  And modern-day slavery is a BEAST (as are the mercury levels in the rain water (most likely.))  And I still end every day completely exhausted because, for a kid who likes to go through life wanting as little attention as possible, being White in Manila is like wearing a sequin-covered spandex suit with built-in speakers that play Rick Astely and Shania Twain back-to-back on repeat.  I do not go unnoticed.  And I can never tell if people are amused by me or want to punch me.

  …but I have started to notice God’s personality now and then.

I see God in the universality of the wagging dog tail.  I see God in the most delicious red velvet cupcake ever (that even comes in a mini size!).  I see God’s personality in my friends who pop their heads into my cubicle to ask me if I want to go get lunch.  I see God’s humor when I tell them I do not want to go, but I am forced to go anyway (…and I’m always grateful).  I see God’s forgiveness in the eyes of the puppy I just adopted who has no idea that she was left for dead on the unforgiving streets of Manila, and she is now much more concerned about eating her bed.  I see God’s provision in that food is inexpensive enough that I can feed the street kids when I see them.  I see God’s hand in helping me relax because an entire season of a TV show is only about $1, so I can relax while meeting my budget.  I see God’s righteous anger in my coworkers who are driven every most days to “fight the good fight,” shall we say.  But mostly I see God when I sit back and laugh at myself when I remember that God is still in control.

And the things that make me happy right now include this one patch of grass that I am not allowed to walk on, having a cold so I can’t smell Manila, any food that is spicy, my puppy, very cold beer (but oh how I miss a good, dark beer), and knowing that I am going to buy a Batman action figure for my new desk. …I have a long explanation for why Batman is my favorite super hero.

So.  It isn’t much, but it’s enough.  I long for my weekend getaways, but know that the pictures on Facebook are my gems - my happiest moments. 

I know this sounds overdramatic, but you will have to take my word for it.

If you are a prayer, I could use prayer for my anger.  A lot has happened recently which would warrant anger, but those are the things that have made me not so angry.  It’s the little things.  Pray for a clear mind in the times when the little things build up, and pray that if the little things are building up on top of a surface of anger of which I was not aware, that I deal with it properly.

Pray for my health.  I seem to jump from one sickness to another.

Pray that I will find joy.  Or at least that my pessimism would just back off a little ;)

And of course…the ever-nagging money issue.  Costs will be about $26,500 for a year, and I am at about $14,000.  You can give online here:

http://www.ijm.org/node/561

I just typed a lot of words, and even though I could type a lot more and make a LOT more superhero references, I will refrain and listen to your reactions, read your emails, and, as always, answer any questions you may have for me.

My love to each of you,

Whitney (whitney.custis.wilson@gmail.com)

PS On a lighter note, here is a picture of my new puppy.  She was abandoned on the streets with her brother and sister, and I picked her up this week.  Her name is Rory, and she thinks she is one tough dog.  In protest to a lot of people here dressing up their dogs and making them wear heavy perfume, Rory decided to have gender neutral things and smell like a dog.